Just Topeka it.

Google led a wave of technology-related April Fool’s Day gags Thursday morning, announcing on its homepage that the search-engine giant had changed its name to that of the Kansas town.

The announcement, along with the word “Topeka” replacing “Google” in the site’s multicolored logo, is a riff on the city “renaming” itself Google for a month.

The stunt was part of the city’s bid to be picked for Google’s “Fiber for Communities” program, which Google says will provide Internet access 100 times faster than normal.

“We didn’t reach this decision lightly; after all, we had a fair amount of brand equity tied up in our old name,” Google … er … Topeka CEO Eric Schmidt said in a blog post. “But the more we surfed around (the former) Topeka’s municipal website, the more kinship we felt with this fine city at the edge of the Great Plains.”

The blog even gave a list of proper and improper usage of the new name. “Before our blind date, I did a Topeka search on him” got the green light, while “Before our blind date, I topeka’d him with AltaVista” did not.

The post did point out that the “honor” didn’t mean Topeka has a leg up in Google’s broadband plan.

YouTube saves a buck or two

Forget high-definition. It’s time for text-only video.

YouTube said Thursday that new bandwidth-sucking video technology is cutting into its profits, so it’s now offering TEXTp, a low-tech, text-only mode that looks like a grainy cross between “The Matrix” and when satellite interference is screwing up your TV reception.

Users could switch to the joke mode on at least some videos by clicking on 480, the default bandwidth, and scrolling up to TEXTp.

“By using text-only mode, you are saving YouTube $1 a second in bandwidth costs,” read a message that appears when viewing in TEXTp. “Click here to go back to regular YouTube and happy April Fools Day!”

New use for the iPad

ThinkGeek, that purveyor of the latest in awesome tech-nerd gizmos and gadgets, was offering an add-on for the highly anticipated iPad: the iCade.

The fictional iCade looks just like a miniature version of an old-school arcade game, and a photo features two of them: one with a docked iPad showing a basic screen and the other appearing to run the classic game Donkey Kong.

The site’s “sales pitch” makes fun of the Apple-fanatic furor over the iPad, which hits stores Saturday.

“After the glow of the initial announcement wore off, many of us came to the conclusion that the iPad was actually pretty useless,” it read. ” ‘It’s a giant iPhone!’ some said. Others exclaimed, ‘WTF, no Flash!?’ Still, we knew that most Apple fanbots (us included) would have to have one anyway.”

The page links to other “suggested items” for sale, including the Screaming Knife and Tell Me Your Secrets Bear.

Other favorites:

• Electronics maker Toshiba got into the act with the TubeTop, an inflatable laptop with an internal inner tube.

• On news-sharing site Reddit, everyone is an administrator. The result was regular users banning each other and using their unlimited voting power to move stories to the top of the site. No. 1 as of this writing? “Reddit, here’s a picture I just drew … ” followed by “Quick! Use your new admin powers to upvote the crap out of this puppy dog.”

• Instead of latitude and longitude coordinates, smartphone users who type “Where am I?” into Google’s search field get answers such as “Neptune,” “Mordor” and “Entrance to Hogwarts.”

• Google Maps is offering users who pan down to Street View a new option: 3-D. Of course, if you don’t have a set of 3-D glasses handy, tough luck.

• Wikipedia’s main page offered an interesting array of articles, from a featured piece on the cherished custom of wife-selling to a headline about how Sony had accidentally used a time machine to zap some of its customers back to 1999.

posted by kimmie under Humor In The News 0 comments

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius..
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey
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“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,”
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

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“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,”
–A congressional candidate in Texas .
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“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it..”
–Al Gore, Vice President
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“I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .”
– Dan Quayle
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“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
–Lee Iacocca
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“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
– Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
–Department of Social Services,Greenville , South Carolina
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“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
–Keppel Enderbery
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“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

posted by kimmie under Celebrity Humor 0 comments

A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

“Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
“I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”

posted by kimmie under Humor 0 comments

As some readers of my blog may be aware, I occasionally respond to Nigerian 419 e-mail scams. The idea is to have some fun and hopefully waste a little of their time, making it time they can’t use scamming.

I had a particularly enjoyable exchange with a 419 scammer recently and decided to publish it here.

Warning: The following is arguably the crudest piece ever published in this newsletter. No, seriously. I’m not kidding.

For those who don’t know, Nigerian 419 fraud named after the applicable Nigerian legal code is a scam where someone claims to have millions of dollars they’d like to get out of a country, usually Nigeria, but needs assistance doing so. The scammers offer would-be dupes a large percentage of the transaction if they’ll let the money pass through their account.

Once someone takes the bait, they are told some advance fees are required to process paperwork or bribe government officials. When 419 fraud works, the scammer will keep coming up with new fees and the scammee will keep paying in an effort not to lose money already spent.

Two weeks ago, I received a e-mail from a Mr. Peter Lee claiming to be an executive at Hang Seng Bank with $25.6 million in an account owned by a client who died with no next of kin.

According to Mr. Lee, all I had to do was pose as this persons next of kin to get 30% of the account. So I created a special e-mail account just for this discussion, ShuvittInyurass@yahoo.com, and answered him:

Dear Mr. Lee:

Thank you for contacting me. I am interested in your proposal. But I must make sure I can trust you. In my family, there has been a history of bad luck and unfortunate business dealings. My name is Shuvitt Inyurass. I have traced my last name to pre-communist Russia where the Inyurasses were affluent peasants, or kulaks, as their class was known. After the Communist revolution, the kulaks were declared enemies of the people and most of the Inyurasses were sent to the Russian gulag system never to be seen again.

However, my great grandfather Puhttitt Inyurass escaped to the west by train and then immigrated to America. Somehow, he had enough money to found the Inyurass Ointment Company. Family lore has it that Great Grandpa Puhttitt fell in with the Goscruyerself Russian crime family, and thats how he got the money.

In any case, Great Grandpa Puhttitt wrote his son, my grandfather, Yurhedis Inyurass out of his will after Yurhedis left the family to start the Inyurass Hair Removal Company. The Inyurass Hair Removal Company is very successful, but my father, Lance D. Boyle Inyurass, who took over the business from Granddad Yurhedis, has let it be known that he is passing the entire business to my brother Rahmitt Inyurass.

I also have an uncle named Pierce D. Boyle Inyurass, aka Pop, but, alas, he is untrustworthy. Last I heard, Uncle Pop D. Boyle Inyurass married a young hussy named Hemma Royd. Aunt Hemma I cant believe I’m calling her that; she’s younger than I am and Uncle Pop had a daughter and named her Lihtta Pharty Inyurass. But their marriage went sour after Uncle Pop had an affair and began spending all his money on gambling and drink.

So you see, my family history is one broken trust after another. I have a great deal of trouble believing people, even members of my own family. I have a good feeling about you, though. The tone of your letter is very kind. But still, I am wary. How do I know I can trust you? Would you please supply some more details on the transaction you propose?

Sincerely:

Shuvitt Inyurass

Mr. Lee responded with what looked to be a form letter asking for some personal information including my age and occupation. The idea behind stringing along 419 scammers is to try and get personal letters from them so they spend some of their would-be scamming time not scamming.

So I responded again:

Dear Mr. Lee Peter [Yes, I screwed up and transposed his first and last names here]:

Thank you for your note. In answer to your question, I am 47 years old and work in a jacket factory owned by my sister, Pympell Inyurass. The company is called the Inyurass Wind Breaker Company. It is quite successful, but my sister is very hard to work for.

Hopefully you can free me from the hell that is my life right now. But still you’ve given me no proof that I can trust you. How do I know I can trust you? This is an awful lot of money you’re talking about. You know all about me. Tell me about yourself.

Sincerely, and I really mean it:

Shuvitt Inyurass

This time Mr. Lee responded with a personal note:

Dear Shuvitt Inyurass,

Many thanks to you e-mail and explanations. I am happy you are of age to handle this transaction. But for your information, age has nothing to do with Maturity. I want to believe that you are matured enough to work with me. I am glad you wish to free yourself from the hell you are facing with your sister and start a life of your own, I hope that is what you meant in your e-mail.

I have worked with Hang Seng bank for years now and this is a one time opportunity to own my personal business and start life just as most influential men did. Life is all about making use of the opportunity at hand. Shuvitt Inyurass, It is your choice to work with me or not. I will do everything legally required to ensure that this project goes smoothly, it shall pass through all international Banking law.

Having resolved to entrust this transaction unto your hands, I want to remind you that, it needs your commitment and diligent follow up. If we work seriously the entire transaction should be over in a couple of days. I need you to send me a copy of your identification (I.D, Driver’s license or International passport), your contact address and valid telephone number along with the filled funds release form. You will be receiving other details from me including a copy of my identification and other relevant information. All I need is your seriousness and commitment. With a short period, your sister will not recognize you again I assure you.

Regards,

Peter Lee JP

Dear Mr. Lee Peter: [Again, I screwed up his name, but I hadn’t yet noticed and neither, apparently, had he.]

Thank you for responding. I am sincerely ready to work with you and get away from my annoying, somewhat painful sister Pympell Inyurass and her Wind Breaker Company. Working there really stinks.

It looks as if you are in Hong Kong. I have two cousins there, Aylianprobe Inyurass and Itchyrash Inyurass. Do you know either of them?

Aylianprobe Inyurass is quite nice and very rich, though he tends to make people uncomfortable. And many people who claim to have dealt with him are clearly crazy. For some reason, they all want to go to Nevada. I communicate with Aylianprobe often. He has always told me if I ever need any financial help to call him. I have been hesitant to do so, though. Maybe we can get him to help us in our dealings.

My other cousin, Itchyrash Inyurass, is a girl and I think she’s a bit loose. It seems everyone has had an Itchyrash at one time or another. It’s a very uncommon name, no?

In any case, when do you need a copy of my driver’s license? My license has been suspended. I was pulled over by a police officer recently. I rolled down the window. He asked my name. I said, I thought innocently enough, Shuvitt Inyurass. Well, he became very agitated at this. Then he asked who was with me. I said: My wife. He said, Who? I thought he didn’t hear me so I spoke up: My wife! Crammit Inyurass!!

With that, the officer got really mad, hauled me out of the car and off to the police station.

Now, I ask you Mr. Lee Peter: Would you get mad if I said Crammit Inyurass loudly to you? I hope not. I would like to think you’re a more reasonable man than that.

I think I get my driver’s license back next week. Is that too late?

Sincerely, and I hope you take this literally:

Shuvitt Inyurass.

To my surprise, Mr. Lee responded with another personal note:

Dear Shuvitt Inyurass,

Many thanks to your e-mail and letting me know you are ready and willing to work with me on this transaction. Yes I am in Hong Kong but might be travelling for a board meeting to Seoul, Korea tomorrow.

Now, you mentioned your cousin Aylianprobe Inyurass is a very rich but tends to make people uncomfortable, that is already a negative introduction of him. To be honest with you, I want you to keep this transaction confidential knowing fully well the amount involved. For now we do not need your cousin or your family members. In fact, I want you to surprise them after the funds has been transferred. You will be as rich as they are and they will respect the name Shuvitt Inyurass for once; mark my words.

I have told you in my last e-mail that I need your commitment and willingness, so I do not need your cousin or any other third party, not even my wife know about this transaction, so I have shown you the limit to wish I wish to expose our dealings. It has to be between both of us.

Sure, I will not be mad at you when you mention your wife’s name to me, although people have their own way of reasoning; well try and get your license back. You can send your work ID to me now along side the form (I am attaching another copy to you).

I also scan and attach a copy of my work ID, certificate of deposit of the deceased, this is to let you know how serious I am and how far have brought this transaction. As such I will need you to be serious and leave your family out of this and lets get down to business.

If you can fill out the form now, I will be very glad. My regards to your wife and kids. I await your e-mail.

Regards

Peter Lee

It was then that I realized I had been addressing Mr. Lee backwards. Time for an apology:

Dear Mr. Peter Lee:

Sorry I mixed up your first and last name in my last e-mail. You know us ignorant Americans: All those Asian names sound alike to us!

People sometimes mistakenly spell and pronounce my name in its original English form: Shuvitt Inyerarse. I never get mad though. People make mistakes, right? Nothing to get upset about.

In any case, I’m not sure how to proceed. The form you want filled out isn’t clear to me.

Would you explain it to me, please?

Sincerely, and I can’t remember having ever meant anything more strongly:

Shuvitt Inyurass, or Inyerarse if you prefer.

A day later, I received another personal note from Mr. Lee. He was not pleased:

Dear Shuvitt Inyurass

This is in response to your e-mail. In your first e-mail, you claimed to be a Russian and now you are claiming American. Now you need to confirm you actual country and facial identity.

Look Shuvitt Inyurass, I am not here for time waste or a child’s play discussion. If you are ready to work on this transaction, then find attached again, the form. It is clear and concise nothing to explain. Just download, print, fill out, scan and send back to me. There is absolutely nothing to more required.

I thought that by sending you my work ID, certificate of deposit and other explanations, you will understand my seriousness. I will appreciate, if you rather become serious and send the filled out form alongside work ID, so we can proceed. If not state clearly your intentions not to proceed further, so I can know my fate in you.

Finally, I will not entertain anymore family issues or irrelevant discussion outside this subject matter. We have some business aims to actualize so, act like a matured and ready person. I hope you understand my state of conversation.

Thank you

Peter Lee

Uh oh. I irritated him. Time for another apology:

Dear Mr. Lee:

Geez. I am so sorry. I thought we were becoming friends.

Just to clarify, in my first letter I did not claim to be Russian. I said my ancestors were Russian. If you’ll recall, I said my great grandfather Puhttitt Inyurass escaped from Russia to the west by train and then immigrated to America to found the Inyurass Ointment Company.

My family has been American ever since. I’m sure if you check our correspondence you’ll see I never claimed to be Russian.

And when you say you want no more discussions of my family members, I take it you would not like to hear of my second cousin, once removed Twobyfour Inyurass. He is really quite interesting, but not as interesting as his brother Tenfootpole Inyurass, though. Like my other family members Twobyfour and Tenfootpole can be quite annoying.

Do you know what it’s like to deal with a Twobyfour or Tenfootpole Inyurass? Let me tell you, it can be excruciating. As for the documents you sent. Anyone could forge those so I’m not sure they’re real. This relationship must be about trust, Mr. Lee. So I really need proof I can trust you.

I think I would be able to trust you if you sent me $100. That would certainly cement the deal. So how about it, Mr. Lee? Just send me $100 and I’ll fill out the form.

Sincerely, I beseech you:

Shuvitt Inyurass

Mr. Lees response arrived the next day:

Dear Shuvitt Inyurass

I am really pleased with your last e-mail. Well, Yes we are friends and cannot recall telling you that we are not friends or trying to become friends. I only needed seriousness from you. But with your last e-mail, I am now convinced that you cannot handle this transaction. You demanding for $100, just to gain trust, that is a very high sense of immaturity, do not feel insulted please, but I must confess you are not ready to make use of this opportunity.

For your information, the certificate of deposit alone is enough for a proof along side my work ID. That certificate you have with you is worth millions of dollars and all you demand is a $100, I cannot believe you actually typed your last mail.

Sorry, sending you a $100 does not guarantee you my trust; that is rather a very cheap means of buying trust and that is not good enough for this transaction; you have shown a low esteem on my plans for you.

I do not feel insulted by your e-mail anyway, I feel much more relieved now. Thank you Shuvitt Inyurass and I hope someday you understand.

Peter

Wow. Now he decides I’m immature. Obviously, Mr. Lee is trying to goad me into dropping my demand for money by wounding my pride, but I think this is a perfect place to finish.

Farewell, Mr. Lee. For those who enjoy reading about 419 scammers being strung along, check out 419eater.com. The folks who contribute to that site are hilarious. I don’t even pretend to be in their league.

posted by kimmie under Humor Live & Learn 0 comments

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final  word on nutrition and health.
It’s a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat  very little fat
       and suffer  fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

2. The Mexicans  eat a lot of  fat
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

3. The Chinese  drink very little  red wine
       and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

4. The  Italians drink a lot of red  wine
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans. 

5. The Germans  drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats 
       and suffer fewer heart attacks than   Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking  English is apparently what kills  you.

posted by kimmie under Humor Lifestyles Live & Learn 0 comments